Hunk Day

Unbeknownst to most of us common folk is that August 18th is the Day of the Hunk. Which reminds me of that one candy bar called Big Hunk. I remember it was the consistency of refridgerated taffy and when I chewed it, it sealed my top teeth to my bottom ones and it felt like my molars would be torn from my gums when I strained my jaw muscles to pull my teeth apart to chew. By the time I finished a Big Hunk, my mouth was too tired to smile or talk or chew Hubba Bubba, bloody fillings, ripped from their moorings in my mouth, littered the floor in front of me, and all I really had to show for my effort was a bland brown wrapper in my limp hand and the candy bar's mediocre flavor in my mouth, mixed with the taste of body fluids leaking onto my tongue from raw holes in my gums where my teeth used to be.

There's a possibility I got carried away with the exaggerated imagery in that last paragraph.

Ahem. Back to the Day of the Hunk. Okay, get a load of this list of heartthrobs who call 18 August their birthday: Patrick Swayze, Christian Slater, Robert Redford, and -- I hope, if you're a woman, you're sitting down because you'll probably faint from rapture at the mere mention of the next hunk's name -- Meriwether Lewis.

They're all kind of old now. I don't even really know if chicks dig Christian Slater. I know they did for about a month after he did Kuffs in 1992, but then I guess he cut his hair or something because I haven't heard of him since. So, he's 40 today.

I don't know if you've seen Robert Redford lately, but my grandpa looks better than him. Still, just the idea that he used to get chicks -- like back during the Renaissance -- makes him a hunk I guess. He's 73. 73!

I won't make fun of Patrick Swayze because I feel bad that he has a terminal disease. But, really, I guess dying might not be too bad for him, because he already did it once in 1990 during Ghost.
He's 57 today. You go, Johnny Castle.

Meriwether Lewis is hard for women to resist, I understand. Innovative, hardy, and not afraid to don an awful first name, he shamelessly used minorities for his own personal glory. Atta boy. Even if you're a member of the ACLU though, you've got to give the guy grudging respect at least, right? I mean, dude, he walked across the US. Or, at least, he got carried in one of those shoulder-borne chairs by minorities. Either way, what a guy. He might be 235 today, but chicks still dig him. Maybe. I'm not really sure. I haven't really polled anyone.