Wear Pinstripes On Your Suit, Not On Your Face

I have the world's worst tan line ever. It's pretty much mortifying. I rode my motorcycle about 300 miles a couple days ago with my hat on backwards and my shades on... forwards. So now I have a strip of deep, dark tan across my forehead and temples, above my shades and below my backwards hat line. You can call me vain if you want to for being embarrassed about this, but then I'll kick you in the head. Or maybe just stick out my tongue at you. There's less of a risk of you beating me up if I do that.

So I had to go to church yesterday for the first time in a new congregation within which I'll spend the next three years. And I had a pinstriped face. Nobody said anything, but my theory is that this is because nobody could be entirely sure that the glaring tan lines weren't actually birthmarks. Imagine how embarrassing it would be to confuse the two:

Hapless, socially-disfunctional moron: Hey, you must be new here. Nice to meet you. Sucks about the sunburn, right? I mean, you look absolutely ridiculous. Don't worry though, it will blend in a few days.

You: No, it probably won't. It's a birthmark. I was born breach. But thanks for saying something about it. Really. What you just said, it felt really great.

Oh well. It could worse. I could be one of the Jonas Brothers. How do those guys look at themselves in the mirror every day and feel masculine? Oh... you're right. It probably is the fact that millions of women all over the world adore them and their solid-colored faces.