Am I the Only One Concerned About Safety Here?



We took our kids to this place called "Jumping Jacks" for Grace's birthday. Basically, it's a cavernous room filled wall-to-wall with huge, inflatable bouncy toys. You know, like those big slides that are slathered with unidentifiable germs encased in crystallized toddler mucus, saliva, blood, and sweat? Yeah, like that.

Anyhow, I noticed this sign posted to all the blow-up toys. It took me awhile to decipher the meanings of all the pictures, but I think I finally got it. I can't be totally sure, because the Chinese aren't always on the same page as the Americans... not like they were in the 1970s, anyhow, when Richard Nixon and Henry Kissinger had this otherworldly heckacool idea to PLAY PING-PONG WITH THE CHINESE. Now look how good friends we are, as long as they lay off our dog food.

Here's what the sign means, beginning from the upper-left corner, continuing across the top row, then moving down to the lower-left corner and continuing across the bottom row:

-- No scissors on the blow-up toy. They may puncture the toy.
-- No strapless bras on the blow-up toy. Potential malfunctions thereof resulting from the vigorous nature of playing on the toy may lead to other parents having to answer uncomfortable questions concerning things the teacher didn't cover in 1st grade sex ed.
-- This is not a women's bathroom. Using it as such makes the slide significantly slower for the next person.
-- No first aid on the blow-up toy. Life is natural, and so is death. On a blow-up toy. Natural.
-- The blow-up toy closes at 11:00. Or maybe 11:50. Please get off the toy during those 60-second stretches of time.
-- No scuba divers on the blow-up toy. Also, no pygmy scuba divers on the blow-up toy.
-- No cadavers on the blow-up toy. All riders will be smelled before being permitted to enter. Any riders smelling dead will not be permitted.
-- No dogs on the blow-up toy. So, you know that dog that you brought with you to the place filled with blow-up toys, thinking that maybe he could play on the toys with your kids? Well, he can't. Go ahead. Stomp your feet and file a lawsuit. Then, when you lose, go back to Vermont and sulk in a vegan restaurant that has a doggie menu for your "family member."
-- No burgers and milk on the blow-up toy. This combination will cause you to vomit, which will make others less willing to play on the toy; no one wants to slide through milky chunks of partially-digested Whopper.
-- No snowmobiles on this toy. Please. Thank you.