I Want It That Way

I feel kind of like I got ripped off because I was on my mission when the Backstreet Boys were cool. I bet that was an awesome period in history, kind of like that time when one-third of Europe died from the Black Plague. By the way, do you think the Backstreet Boys have ever even set foot on a back street? I doubt it. Pretty boys get mugged on back streets. Unless we're talking back streets in Miami, in which case other even more sinister things happen to pretty boys. Like getting recruited to be another keyboardist for Gloria Estefan's Miami Sound Machine. I think they have eight or nine of them. Ugh.

Over there is a picture I took when I went to Crater Lake with my dad last summer. Crater Lake is pretty cool. Lots of mosquitoes though. We should've known something was up when we pulled up to the little "pay here" shack at the park's entrance on our motorcycles and the lady there was wearing a net. I was all, "Um, you're wearing a net." And she's like, "Yeah, we got lots of mosquitoes." And I'm all, "Oh that's cool." And then my neck and wrists start to itch and I look down and three skeeters are latched onto my bony wrists, sucking marrow. And the lady's like, "That'll be 15 dollars." And I'm thinking, "Motorcycle + Crater Lake = malaria or yellow fever or dengue fever or maybe even the dysentery, except I think only Civil War veterans with beards and several missing teeth carry that, and I don't really see any Civil War veterans around here.

If I had to nominate someone as MVP of autumn 2009, you know who it would be? My immune system. Seriously, talk about stepping it up in the clutch. The swine flu has been ravaging mankind with its crippling symptoms, including temperatures approaching 99 degrees and a slight tingle in the nasal cavity. But my immune system, which I've affectionately dubbed "Buster," has shielded me from harm with a warm blanket of antibodies. Atta boy, Buster. My kids have been blowing digested food out of both ends, my wife has been sick two or three times, but Buster's keeping it real for me, making sure I don't miss class. I realize, of course, that the best way to make sure you get sick is to boast about not ever getting sick. But with Buster on patrol, I boast without fear. Bus-TER! Bus-TER! Bus-TER!