We All Have Hallitosis

I went to the dentist last week because my tooth hurt. Sometimes I go to the dentist because I want a lollipop and I want my insurance to pay for it. But this time I really had an owie tooth. And I don't have insurance. So we found an office that was doing a gimmick where they do a free examination for new customers and they try to woo you to become a regular customer, using neat stuff like a t-shirt plastic-wrapped into the shape of a tooth. The t-shirt was pretty cool, I admit, though when I pulled it from its package it was the most wrinkly thing I've ever seen. Except Freddy Kruger. But you can just wash and dry the t-shirt and it won't be wrinkly any more, but if you wash and dry Freddy Kruger he's still wrinkly. Plus, he gets mad and skewers your brain with one of those knife/finger things. Just as a sidenote, who do you think would win in a fight between Freddy Kruger and Edward Scissorhands? Or what if Freddy Kruger and Edward Scissorhands were tag team partners against Wolverine and Captain Hook (I don't think Captain Hook really fits but I couldn't think of anyone else with a sharp thing for a hand)?

One thing that I thought was strange about the dentist experience is that we got a tour of the office before the dentist looked at my tooth. I don't know -- don't you think taking a tour of a dentist office is kind of like taking a tour of the grocery store? You basically know what's there. The only surprise is whether they have awesome flavors of flouride, like black licorice or avacado. Still, this dentist office had some cool features, like the Wii in the waiting room and the receptionist who wasn't blonde and snapping gum.

All good family guys want to be dentists because you don't have to work very much to make a lot of money. It's a pretty sweet system they've got going on -- the dental hygienists do all the work, the dentist makes his or her royal appearance for 3-5 minutes, casts a sidelong glance into your nasty maw, charges you a bunch of money for the small talk, casts a farthing or two to the hygienist, and puts the rest toward a new set of golf clubs. Now that I'm thinking about it, dentist offices basically practice feudalism. I just started seriously thinking about dental school when I'm done with law school.

Did you know that dentists want to commit suicide almost as much as lawyers? I think I read this in Entertainment Weekly or something. Why do you think that is? We all know why lawyers wish they were dead: they see a lot of potential lawsuits -- and accompanying attorney fees -- among the souls in perdition. Did they really get a fair trial before consignment? Is perdition wheelchair accessible? Could all the waiting and uncertainty increase the risk of cancer?

But what of the unhappiness among dentists? I'll tell you why dentists are collectively bummed. Because, no matter how you cut the cake, all they do all day is touch your mouth and inhale your hallitosis. That's all.