Pros and Cons of Law School -- Buddhist-style

You know, lots of people think about going to law school. Most keep thinking and realize that law school costs more than some African countries' yearly GDP. But some people don't count very well, or else they think that the little "$" symbol is an "S" so they think that "Tuition = $45,000" actually reads "Tuition = SAS, OOO" and they're like, "Ooooo, this school's cheap. All they want for tuition is a little sas. I'm sassy. I'm going there." Then they get the tuition bill and they're like, "Dang."

Anyhow, I'm in law school, and I thought people thinking about law school or just wasting time reading stupid blogs might want to know what's cool and what sucks about law school. Look, don't argue with me, just pretend you're interested and keep reading.

Here are the top 5 awesomest things about law school:

5. Telling people you're in law school. Simply by virtue of you being enrolled in classes about the law, people assume you're smart. Here's a tip: don't talk to the people that think you're smart. The longer you're silent, the longer the illusion of your intelligence will persist.

4. Torts for breakfast every morning. Man, I love warm, crumbly, chocolate-filled torts for breakfast.

3. Going to class with a laptop. When I was in college, computers sat on your desk. And you needed three people to move the monitor. I remember my freshman year when BYU gave us all email accounts. We thought it was amazing -- it was like writing a letter and mailing it to someone, except it got there instantaneously and it didn't even cost 37 cents! So we'd just sit by each other in the computer lab and email each other back and forth, even though we could've saved time by just turning in our chairs and, you know, talking to each other. But it was more fun on email. Now your computer fits in your backpack! And Russians still upset about losing the Cold War can send you pornographic spam while you're in class at law school in Middle America! Here's to the continuing progress of humanity!

2. Homing pigeons. They have little to do with law school, but aren't they awesome? They look like everyday fowls, but, seriously, can they ever home. Whatever that means.

1. What happened in 8th grade finally makes sense. I don't know if you, like me, learned all about the Revolutionary Era and the founding of America in 8th grade, but for me, it didn't make a lot of sense. I remember we watched some documentary about slavery on a LaserDisc. That's right. A LaserDisc. They looked like records, except they were shiny. If you were to throw one for your dog to fetch, and it was a sunny day, it would probably blind the dog. Then you'd have this awkward moral dilemma where you're trying to decide if you should put the dog to sleep because it's blind and keeps missing when it tries to lick itself, or if you're kind of responsible for the dog's unfortunate discombobulation and so should "be there" for Fido in his time of need.

I forgot what I was going to say about 8th grade.

Here are the top 5 lamest things about law school, since I believe in balancing the good with bad, and the bad with good, Buddhist-style.

5. Torts aren't actually breakfast food. You can't even eat them for dessert. If you get a tort, it means you just got a barrel of flour rolled onto your head from a second-story window, or you just got your left leg blown off by a spring-loaded shotgun, or the clock repairman just came on to your wife. So not warm, crumbly, and chocolate-filled.

4. Philosophy majors. Just when you think you've got a decent, practical solution to a legal problem, these guys come in all Descartes-like and start questioning your premises and getting all uppity about how you're confusing your sufficient conditions with your necessary conditions and how you really ought to be using inductive reasoning for this problem and not deductive reasoning, and you're like "What the crap dude. I'll tell you what's a sufficient condition. Me waterboarding you." But you don't actually do it because it's illegal now that Obama's president.

3. Books cost more than my car. And weigh more too.

2. Law professors don't lay off you when you're clearly too stupid to answer their questions. It just seems that, under normal circumstances, when someone asks you a question and your answer makes it painfully obvious that you're truly stupid, the person lays off, because, you know, you're clearly stupid and no one wants to listen to stupid people talk. But law professors seem to believe that, over a course of 4 minutes of machine-gun questioning, they're going to transform you from a moron into an archetype of competence. I can't speak for others, but, upon close Socratic questioning meant to reveal my pulsating core of sheer brilliance, it only becomes more and more apparent that my idiocy is substantial and stubbornly resistant to most forms of medication.

1. We have to pay them. I don't know. I just think it would be cooler if the law school paid me to attend. I don't really have any sterling reasoning to back this up, I'm just saying. You have to admit, it would schweet. Man, talk about ending this post weakly.