I'm Tired of Living a Lie

Look, I'm not gonna lie to you. I kind of like Taylor Swift. Does it make it hard to feel good about myself? Is it a constant drag on my self-esteem? Are those Bugle Boy jeans I'm wearing? You're asking an awful lot of kind of personal questions and it's making me uncomfortable. Give me some space, Matlock.

No, seriously. Hear me out on this one. There are at least two good reasons to like Taylor Swift. Don't be getting all snobby with your "I only listen to indie bands" thingy, because that's annoying and we all laugh at you behind your back because you wear pegged jeans.

Reason 1: C'mon, don't you feel just a little bad that that horrible Jonas Brother dumped her like two years ago? I really feel like Taylor got the short end of that stick. No way no how she's a high-maintenance pompous teenage ball and chain that made unreasonable demands on Jonas Brother, like requiring him to text her between songs at all his concerts.

On an only partially related note, the Jonas Brothers are only half as cool as Hanson. Name me a Jonas Brothers song that can touch "Mmmm Bop." Even if you could, it wouldn't do much for me because I don't know the names of any Jonas Brothers songs. I've been boycotting them since dude broke Taylor's heart. Now that I'm thinking of it, name me any song that can touch "Mmmm Bop." That's right. You can't do it. And that's why you're sitting there with that dumb look on your face. Or it could be because you can't quite believe you're reading somebody trumping up Hanson. And you could tell me I'm a pansy for liking Taylor Swift and praising Hanson, but I'm not listening -- la la la la la la la la la la la.

Also on a partially related note, I think the Jonas Brothers is a dumb band name. If I was in a band with my teenage brothers, we would not name ourselves something with our last name in it. That's hokey. Only Van Halen can get away with that, and that's just because they've got such an awesome surname. Aye, Van Halen is the surname of all surnames. Dude, just sitting here I can think of like five band names cooler than "the Jonas Brothers" without even thinking about it: 1) Habeas Corpus 2) Bro-hawk 3) The Oversized Wicker Men 4) Malleable Consternation 5) Natty Nick and the Nestorian Knickers. See?

Reason 2: It's kind of a fun game to think, if you were a teenager and you dated Taylor Swift and then you dumped her, what would the angry song she wrote about you be called? Mine would be called "I'm So Embarrassed That You Took Me to Prom in a Volkswagon Bus (a.k.a. You're So Classless)," and the chorus would go something like, "You didn't even have the class/to hang an air freshener pine tree/in your stupid orange bus/so it wouldn't smell like 1973/and then you took me to Chuck E. Ch-ch-ch-ch-cheeze [that part would be kind of funky with sort of an offbeat high-hat symbol in the background, and in the video Chuck E. Cheeze himself would be dancing in a parking lot in the rain, playing the maracas]." Wow that's kind of a cool song I just made up.

But then, after she wrote that song about me, I'd write a response song and it'd be called "If You Would've Loaned Me Some Money I Would've Taken You To Dinner At Some Place That Requires Reservations (a.k.a. After All, You're a Billionaire Singer and I Work at the Mall)." And the chorus would go, "You've got so much money I can't believe it/why won't you gimme some/oh yeah, gimme some money/I'll pay you back when I get paid next Wednesday." I don't think that song would do very well because it doesn't rhyme and there are no maracas.