I'm Good at Avoiding Comas

I'd just like to welcome Um, Halen? to the fold of Abu Halen authors. Traditionally, we should pronounce Um Halen as "Oom Halen," but to me it's like, "Um, Halen? Could you pass the tater tots?" I think that Um, Halen? will add important dimensions to Abu Halen, namely those of beauty, grace, and actual writing ability. This will of course be added to Abu Halen's panoply of skills: distinguishing sheep from llamas three out of four times (under appropriate lighting conditions), growing his fingernails (and using them to open Tupperware containers!), and not having comas very often.

I think I could get more than the $50 per post that I charge Um, Halen? to contribute to my beautiful, aesthetically- (and athletically-) pleasing blog. I do, after all, have a meandering queue of would-be authors stumbling over themselves to obtain the wide exposure that my blog provides. Internet surfers the world over are pinging my blog like a freaking rapid-fire machine gun -- the kind of rapid-fire machine gun that fires once every 10-12 days -- as they Google search for terms like "fun with Maria Sharipova," "ripped black dude from Double Dragon," "light up velcro shoes," "blazing ball of testosterone," or "Night Ranger rocks." But I'm willing to forgo the embarrassingly large sums of money I could extort from the masses and instead take less in exchange for Um, Halen?'s winning prose. And charming wit. And alluringly punctuated pen-name. Three cheers for Um, Halen? Pretty please? Is this thing on?