Ode to May (or "Scruff and Slim Jims")

May is probably my favorite month. There are a lot of reasons for this. I like how it's a short, punchy name, not all melodramatic and drawn out like stupid December. It takes like ten times longer to say "December" than it does to say "May." Or maybe three times longer. Still, it takes a loooooong time. And I don't have time for that kind of nonsense. I am busy making money and climbing ladders. And then jumping off the roof and throwing money everywhere. It is fun.

"It's May. Let's dance." Savannah, May 2006.
Another reason I like May is because Three Dog Night wrote a song about it, called "Pieces of April." Well, I guess the song was actually about April, but it just emphasizes what I like about May -- May doesn't need to be in the title to be cool and hip. Pretty, rainy, angelic April can have all the title cred. May doesn't need that kind of jive. May just lurks in the shadows in a leather jacket and totally scores the punchline of the song's chorus: "I've got pieces of April," Three Dog Night says, "but it's a morning in May." BAM!! May is so cool with its scruff and pocket full of Slim Jims.

May is also cool because it has its own holiday: May Day. No other month is phat enough to have its own holiday. There's no foofy "December Day," no overwrought "February Day." May is just that cool. Since both Shannon and I are also seriously phat (I'm just right now pulling that word out of its well-deserved place in the dustbin of history and realizing how much I've missed it), we got married on May Day. Also, when pilots are in distress, who do they call for? Not some useless month like July or October. They call for May and its rip-roaring holiday.

By the way, October is my least favorite month, mostly because its only claim to fame is the totally over-hyped and trumped-up faux-holiday Halloween. October is basically the biggest poser of all the months. It used to have Columbus Day, but now it seems everyone is going sour on my man Chris and a lot of schools don't even get the day off anymore. So the only thing October had going for it is gone. I remember those glorious, crisp October days back when I was in elementary school, sniffing Elmer's glue while we stuck awful cut-outs of the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria to blue construction paper. That, my friends, was education at its finest. I still use that skill ALL the time. But it's all over, and all October has left to give us is Halloween, where grown men and women dress up in their underwear to go get sloshed and kick off November hung over.

So here's to you May. May all your months be May.