Pete Yorn Should Look Both Ways Before Crossing the Street (or "That Fat Guy is a Cannibal")

I used to go to concerts sometimes. Like super cool ones. Like Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, who aren't really heartbreakers anymore, since a lot of girls who thought they were cute back in the day have now got really old and died. Me and Thomas camped out all night in a strip mall parking lot for tickets. This was before the World Wide Webs, back when you had to sleep in Honda Civics all night if you wanted crappy concert tickets way off to the side of the stage where you got tired of viewing Tom Petty's tiny profile. Anyway, we went and Petty played "You Don't Know How It Feels" and everyone sang along to the part about smoking another joint (but not us, because all we smoked was ham). But I think we got slightly high from all the second hand pot smoke. Good times. Maybe. I don't remember it all that well.

How I would look if I were Pete Yorn.
Me and Thomas also saw Smashing Pumpkins. Once, years later, me and Shannon were driving and I put on Smashing Pumpkins and Shannon listened for a minute and then said, "This singer is really, really bad." And I was like, "Yes, but... the passion!" And she was like, "No, he just sucks." And I was like, "Well, pretty much. Yes." But Billy Corgan is still my hero for being so ugly and not being able to sing but still rocking like he just don't care.

At the concert I stood behind a fat guy who was a cannibal. I could tell because the people around him didn't want to touch him. It may also have been because he was smelly, or because he never made a sound, he just held his right hand aloft making the sign for "rock on." For the whole concert. But I highly doubt those more benign possibilities. It seems pretty obvious he was a cannibal. My favorite part of the concert was when Billy Corgan said "Hello Portland! Portland ROCK CITY!!!" I suppose he was probably drunk.

When I got married I thought concerts were all over, because maybe you don't know Shannon but she doesn't really come across as a rocker. But if you thought that you'd be only slightly WRONG. Our first Christmas together Shannon got me a Ramones t-shirt AND a Huey Lewis & the News CD. I may be the only person to have ever worn a Ramones t-shirt while listening to Huey Lewis sing "Stuck With You." Also, me and Shannon went to some concerts together. Like super cool ones. Like Pete Yorn, who I almost ran over with my minivan.

It was more Pete Yorn's fault than mine. Me and Shannon got tickets to an acoustic Pete Yorn show at a small venue in northern Virginia that seats about 200. We got there too early. So after staking out good seats about 10 feet from the stage, we thought we'd go grab some food. So we were cruising out of the parking lot and maybe I was playing some killer air guitar for Shannon -- cuz chicks dig that kind of stuff -- when I should've been watching the road. But Pete Yorn was more in the wrong than me, because he didn't look both ways before crossing the street. So Pete Yorn an
d his three bandmates stepped out from between two cars and I had to decelerate to not run them over.

It was all fine in the end. Pete Yorn and his friends waved nicely as me and Shannon drove by. Later, he put on a pretty good show. Shannon liked Pete Yorn better than me for a couple weeks after that, because he's "ruggedly handsome" and I'm more "cute in a way similar to how a hyena is cute," but she came back around to me when she realized Pete Yorn wasn't going to call her thrice per day like I did.

So the moral of this story is if you like a girl you should call her thrice per day. Also, you should be careful in parking lots because Pete Yorn might be walking there.