Birthdays Come and Birthdays Go, What Are You Going to Do About It? That’s What I Would Like to Know (Answer: Buy Me a Cabin)
It’s my birthday month. I won’t say which day is my actual birthday, because I’m cagey. You know who else is cagey? R. Kelly.
By my not divulging my actual birthdate, you also don’t know if I’m a Leo or a Virgo. Most people scoff at Zodiac signs. Not me. I have a theory. I think when we die and pass through the pearly gates God will be on the other side and the first thing He’ll tell you is Pluto is, in fact, a planet, and also astrology is a thing so we owe Sybill Trelawney an apology.
I’ve looked back through my blog and I haven’t done a birthday-related entry about myself since I turned thirty. I won’t tell you how old I am now — again, I’m a chary guy — but I’m not thirty. So, you know what? It’s time to take a trip down memory lane and celebrate my all-time great birthdays.
Almost forgot this memorable birthday when I got a bottle you can put water in and I had to act excited. (St. George, Utah; August 2020)
1983: Successfully pinned the tail on the donkey at my birthday party. It was easy. Could’ve done it blindfolded. Oh WAIT. I did do it blindfolded. That was just the start of all the amazing things I’ve done blindfolded since then, like sleep on an airplane. Also received a set of Spider Man underoos. Wearing only underwear in public is one of many things, the propriety of which is inversely proportional to age. I understand they make underoos for grownups now, which vaguely feels like it should be a misdemeanor.
1984: Neighbor girl Stacy came to my birthday party. Told her that, just the year prior, I’d pinned the tail on the donkey and could do it again no problem and if I did would she marry me. She agreed AND I PINNED THE TAIL ON THE WHITE SPACE NEXT TO THE DONKEY AND REMAINED UNMARRIED FOR ALMOST THE NEXT TWENTY YEARS BECAUSE OF THAT ABJECT FAILURE.
1988: Had just moved to a new city and so didn’t have any friends to invite to my party. Received a set of homemade button up shirts and matching shorts made from various materials with cute dinosaurs on them, which ensured that I had no friends during the ensuing school year. Except for Bing, who was not picky about friends because his name was Bing.
1990: Brought my friend Danny to a waterpark in Kennewick on my birthday. I later learned he only liked me for these occasional waterpark trips, because sometime in 1991 on the playground he kicked me in the balls and said, “When are we going to Kennewick?” I wore thick glasses and shorts with stegosauruses on them, so I said, “Our friendship is over, but probably later this summer if you’re free.”
1994: Made a birthday trip back to my hometown to visit my friend Sam, who never kicked me in the balls, as far as I remember. Fell in deep like with Heidi at a pool party when she and I formed a formidable chicken fighting team. Failed to win Heidi’s like in return because, apparently, there’s more to being in like than chicken fighting. Consoled myself throughout the autumn by listening ad nauseum to Dion DiMucci’s “A Teenager in Love,” and also developing acne.
2001: Good friend Seth got married on my birthday. Attended the reception with a blind date. She worked at a hair salon. I was a janitor. I wiped urine off toilets. One of my fellow janitors, who also wiped urine off toilets, set us up. Somewhat surprisingly, me and Hair Salon Girl really hit it off. After the reception we went back to my parents place and star gazed on the deck. I may have tried to kiss her, but she was like, “Wait, something sort of smells like urine.” And I thought, Wait, is this the same shirt I wore to work today? Then the moment was sort of gone and we were just two people standing in the dark and one of us smelled like pee.
2006: Shannon threw me a surprise birthday party, and I was sincerely surprised. Which is impressive because I’m never surprised by anything Shannon does, because I read her diary. Or at least I used to until she put a password on it and refuses to tell me the password so now I don’t have any idea what’s going on.
Me being suuuuuuuper surprised. (Reston, Virginia; August 2006)
2011: Drove with wife and three kids to a friend’s family cabin in Idaho. Asked Shannon for a vacation cabin for my birthday. Got a bagel instead, but it tasted like wood, so, kind of like a cabin.
2016: Birthday in El Salvador. A crazy American man interrupted my birthday lunch with my wife when he showed up at the US embassy without shoes and insisted the tin foil embedded in his brain was receiving transmissions from Aquaman. This was before the movie, so I didn’t even know Aquaman was insanely good looking, or else I would’ve requested the crazy American to ask Aquaman to transmit an autographed picture to my ham radio.
So many good birthday memories. I still want a vacation cabin so if you’re not sure what to get me this year that’s one idea.
