Travel Review: Flying Internationally During the End Times
A couple weeks ago we flew from Abu Dhabi to Las Vegas. “Authorized Departure,” as we call it in the biz. It means we temporarily “safe haven” in the United States during the pandemic, teleworking with colleagues back in Abu Dhabi, until the State Department deems it safe to return to the UAE. Here’s my review of the experience. (Note: although I’m having fun with things in this post, please don’t mistake this as an endorsement to travel, especially internationally, under current circumstances. In fact, quite the contrary; you simply shouldn’t travel, that’s all. My family and I would not have flown had professional, U.S. government, and personal considerations not dictated it.)
Making Lots of International Phone Calls Like a Boss: 7/10. I spent many hours working the phones trying to figure out which route was least likely to get my family and me stuck in quarantine in a foreign country or stuck in an empty airport terminal with only a vending machine full of Cheetos for sustenance (actually this sounds okay).
I like that now you can call anywhere in the world just by dialing numbers, and the reception is usually pretty good. I remember when we lived in Syria 15 or 20 years ago and we’d call home with a stupid calling card, so you’d have to punch in like 80 numbers. Then you’d finally get a connection with your parents, but there’d be like a 12 second delay while I guess your voice would have to get routed around the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, get held up by protests in France, travel across the Atlantic seabed, and then stop for grits somewhere in southern Georgia. Things are way better now. Except the End Times, but besides that, things are great.
Airport Security During Pandemic: 9/10. Airport security at Dubai airport, our departure point, was just a guy pointing a thermometer gun at your forehead, then waving you past, then doing the same thing to the other twelve people in the airport, then he sits down and watches YouTube videos on his phone. You still had to throw your carry-on through the scanner, but the conveyor belt made a weird, loud echo-ey sound in the nearly-empty chamber and I felt like I was in a dream, or a really big MRI machine. Would be 10/10 but minus one because we still had to take off our shoes. What, do you think I have coronavirus in my shoe? Actually, I don’t know, maybe.
The tables have turned — the airport is trying to keep you OUT of the duty free area. So weird. (Dubai, UAE; Apr 2020)
Airport McDonald’s During Pandemic: 2/10: It was 7:45 in the morning yet they weren’t serving breakfast, which is irresponsible because, you know what kills COVID-19? Hotcakes, with Lysol syrup. But just plain hotcakes give it a pretty good spanking. So I had to eat a Quarter Pounder for breakfast, which is actually and interestingly against the law in Vermont.
Aerotel Hotel Inside Heathrow Airport: 5/10. Pretty expensive. I can see why — it would’ve cost a lot to conduct the extensive R&D necessary to engineer bathroom sinks that small. When I spit my used toothpaste it almost overflowed the basin. But that’s just because I needed lots of toothpaste to kill the taste of stale Quarter Pounder still lingering in my mouth twelve hours after mastication.
The sweet soft green light that you can’t turn off so it glows all night and makes you feel like you’re sleeping inside a transluscent frog bumps this up a couple points.
Shannon and Savannah, so forlorn. So close to London yet unable to actually reach it. (Heathrow Airport, London, UK; Apr 2020)
Heathrow Terminal 5 During Pandemic: 7/10. A yawning, hollow, disinfected place, Terminal 5 was probably the least likely place on Earth to catch COVID-19, apart from the inside of a bottle of Lysol. An airport security guy came and asked us lots of questions about how we were feeling. I said I’ve been sleeping better ever since coronavirus killed two of the five voices in my head, but I think he was asking more about physical health than mental health, which he could’ve been clearer about up front, in my defense
Airport is so empty that even Shannon will risk sitting in a forbidden seat. (Heathrow Airport, London, UK; Apr 2020)
Shannon’s Joke to the Cleaning Lady: 13/10. There wasn’t really anyone in the terminal except me and Shannon and the kids. Well, except the cleaning lady, who for unfathomable reasonss didn’t think it was funny when Shannon said, motioning at the vast and desolate terminal, “Welp, must be easier to clean when it’s like this!” HOW IS THAT NOT FUNNY?
The Actual Flights Themselves: 9/10. The flights themselves were, to be completely honest, quite pleasant. Everyone pretty much had their own row and each bag its own overhead compartment. The lavatories were basically always free. You could go in, lock the door, and just stand there and flush the toilet over and over again for like 45 minutes to cool off. I don’t know why, but flushing the toilet in an airplane reduces the lavatory temperature by at least 0.5 degrees. I actually don’t want to know why. Some things just are the way they are.
The flight attendents were extra nice, probably because they thought we would all be stressed, but how can you be stressed when there’s like eighteen people on a plane big enough for 300? The captain told us the cabin recycles its air every 28 seconds, so I made sure I only inhaled twice per minute so that I was always breathing clean air. Safety first, that’s what I always say. Well, that and “Give it, that’s mine.”
LAX During Pandemic: 7/10: During our 6 hour layover in a completely deserted Los Angeles airport, we played Uno sitting cross-legged in a spot of sun in front of our gate, but then we all just sort of fell asleep on the floor. Probably the only time my family will sleep on the floor in front of the check-in desk at LAX. This would be a 8 or a 9 but they had the air conditioning jacked up pretty high, and I’m like, can’t you see I’m curled up in a ball in the middle of the floor at B49, clearly freezing? Customer service, please?
Overall: negative 42/10: I know this score doesn’t really follow from the reviews above, but look, you shouldn’t travel during global pandemics unless you absolutely have to. Repeatedly and happily flushing the lavatory toilet on a nearly-empty plane just isn’t worth the risk of contracting or spreading disease, let alone the risk of getting stranded somewhere you don’t want to be due to borders closing or immigration rules changing without notice. So be smart and do puzzles at home, and also this is a good time to practice pull-ups, or eat push-ups.
