Moving Again? Blame It on the Rain (and Other Milli Vanilli-isms)

I am sitting in an airport terminal. They’re playing Milli Vanilli, for which I am grateful, because in this world you need to hold onto the things that are real. I’m thinking about how you would explain Milli Vanilli to someone who has never heard of them, who assumes Milli Vanilli is a flavor at Baskin Robins. Is Milli Vanilli real? Is Milli Vanilli fake? Would the Milli Vanilli narrative differ if the year is 1990, or 2006, or 2021? Probably. How many times can I insert the words “Milli Vanilli” into a single paragraph? Seven.

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Moving again? Aw, nuts. (Provo, Utah; February 2021)

In 1989 I bought the Blame It on the Rain single, along with 29 million other people. But I admitted it to precisely no one, also along with 29 million other people. The cool kids were listening to “Kickstart My Heart” and Ton Loc, and so was I, I guess. And by “I guess,” I mean I did not know Ton Loc from Adam and I listened to “Blame It on the Rain” 42,000 times, but only on a Walkman, so no one else could hear, and if anyone asked what I was listening to I could say Warrant, or Fine Young Cannibals, or Rod Stewart. Just kidding, I wouldn’t say Rod Stewart. He’s the worst. Unless you’re Rachel Hunter, then he’s the best, or at least the richest, and, therefore, a worthy suitor.

In any case, Milli Vanilli wasn’t hip in 1989. Real, but not hip.

The narrative shifts a couple years later. You still don’t admit in 1993 that you ever knowingly possessed Milli Vanilli merchandise, but now it’s only partially because Milli Vanilli sucks. Now it’s mostly because Milli Vanilli is a fraud. Stone Temple Pilots, on the other hand, are the real thing, man.

By 2020 an entirely new narrative is required to explain Milli Vanilli when you make a passing Milli Vanilli reference and your kids ask who is Milli Vanilli and does she hang out with Olivia Rodrigo. It’s now been 30 years since the world became aware that it had been duped by two male European models. There is still a vague sting to having been even temporarily outsmarted by male models, but I’m mostly over it.

This new narrative is almost entirely unconcerned with whether or not Milli Vanilli is or was cool. This is because when you reach a certain age, the word “cool” shifts from describing and evaluating external preferences to reflecting internal inclinations. In other words, I like “Baby Don’t Forget My Number,” and if you disagree, that’s fine, but you need to be locked up.

We are moving to El Salvador in a few weeks where I’ll return to work at the US embassy. We have moved every year for the past five years. This is simultaneously insane and awesome. It is insane because “sane” is usually roughly defined as “what most people do,” and most people, apart from 19th century itinerant preachers and Bon Jovi back when he was wanted: dead or alive, do not move so frequently. It is awesome because, well, Andrew Jackson-era itinerant preachers and Bon Jovi circa 1986 are awesome.

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Is Che real? Is Che fake? Either way he is freaking out. (St. George, Utah; May 2021)

There is a progression of narratives I have used to explain to myself and others all this moving, all these changes of plan. Some narratives blame the helter skelter of my life on externalities, like unanticipated health issues, global pandemics, and La Cosa Nostra. Others inculpate me, for failing to grit my teeth and push through things. For miscalculating future developments I should have foreseen. For not just buying Dr. Feelgood when it was on sale at Freddie’s for $6.99, for Pete’s sake. But then I remember that, whatever you do, don’t put the blame on you — blame it on the rain (yeah, yeah). So then I go back to blaming externalities.

But, look, here’s the reality of it all. Helter skelter (both the noun and the song, but not the U2 version) is kind of cool. It’s interesting, it’s fun, it keeps you on your toes, it helps you identify with a large percentage of the Grateful Dead catalogue. I’m just not sure changing plans needs to be explained or apologized for. Does each life event and decision even need to follow some linear, allegedly upward, socially-sanctioned trajectory in order to avoid being considered a mistake? I used to think so. But that narrative has evolved a bit for me.

And so I think the capacity to constantly reevaluate and reexplain the past — however disjointed it may seem — is an asset. You connect disparate dots and make a picture from the chaos. Self-deception? Maybe, I guess. Milli Vanilli was a fraud. But, fake or not, interesting history and fun music was made.

When I resume my Foreign Service career this summer in El Salvador, it will be another float in my family’s long parade of changing plans. I’m not sorry about it though. It doesn’t require justification. It just is. Girl you know it’s true.